Motointernational Spoof

PRESS RELEASE

RCF (Ruined Carbon Fiber):
Exciting New Motorcycling Solution
Promises Dramatic Weight,
Cost Savings

DATELINE, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (March 13, 2010)

In an exciting joint venture with Moto Guzzi, Australia, and Carbon Nightmare of Lezfuggitup, Italy, Motointernazionale of Seattle Washington has announced a dramatic new motorcyclng technology solution, “RCF” (Ruined Carbon Fiber), which promises significant weight and cost savings for both street and track applications.  The announcement was made at a press gathering, which nobody attended, held during regular afternoon coffee break at the sleepy Motointernazionale service department.

 “We believe this breakthrough may be as revolutionary as that of the vulcanization of rubber,” according to Greg Maladvicio, Manager of Cutting Edge Solutions and Customer Aggravation for Motointernazionale.  “It all started when we shipped a carbon fiber ‘dash cover’ for a Moto Guzzi Griso to a customer in Santa Fe, New Mexico, without any instructions or mounting hardware.  In truth, all he needed was a few small, fine-threaded metric screws, and I should have said as much. 

“But I must have had one of those brain farts you get every once in awhile in this crazy business, you know?  So when the customer asked me for mounting advice, I wrote back, saying he should just use the original, larger, coarsely-threaded screws like a ‘tap’ to create new threads in the carbon fiber.

“Of course, the poor sap didn’t stand a bastard’s chance of mounting it that way — in fact, he was well and truly screwed when he tried it — no pun intended.  How could an ordinary screw be used to cut newer, bigger threads into a material like carbon fiber?  Duhhh, what was I thinking? 

“All that happened is, the original threads in the carbon fiber were ruined, and so was the piece itself, and so would have been the customer’s original Guzzi mounting screws, had he kept at it!

“In fact, it was a regular motorcycle accessory holocaust, when you get right down to it,” said Maladvicio, smirking.

You Have To Break Some Eggs…

Like a Phoenix rising from the flames, however, this sad story of bad information, careless problem diagnostics, and poor customer service led to the development of RCF.

“We got to thinking — for many motorcycling applications — why bother with plastic, or metal, or plastic that looks like metal, or carbon fiber, or aluminum, or (here, Maladvicio paused for dramatic effect) — ANY MATERIAL AT ALL?  Why not just leave the thing naked?  You know, like a naked bike?”

Of course, throughout engineering history, the best solutions have often been simple ones, and the RCF Solution — pictured above, in its first commercial application, on the subject customer’s brand new $16,000 2009 Moto Guzzi Griso 8V — led to a 100% weight savings and a 100% cost savings over the expensive carbon fiber accessory item, and even greater savings when compared to the original plastic chrome piece, “which we always thought looked kind of junky anyhow,” says Maladvicio.

A vast new development programme has now been launched, exploring the potential applications of RCF in various racing and ordinary motorcycle commuting scenarios.  Motointernazionale is even putting out feelers to the Aerospace and Automotive industries, confident that the new technology will find widespread acceptance in many industrial applications. 

Detractors, however, have pointed out problems such as aesthetics, lack of weather protection, poor aerodynamics, rampant electrical system failures, and other potential glitches in the widespread embracing of RCF technology.

Candace Coveryerass, Manager of Document Shredding for Motointernazionale and Former Chief of Government and Press Relations for the Bush Administration, guffaws at these objections.

 Party Poopers!

“In these tight times, when the industry is scrambling to cut costs and deliver greater value to customers, I ask you — how many individual components comprising a typical production motorcycle are actually, fully and truly, NEEDED?  If you absolutely had to, couldn’t you get by with far fewer parts — and save tons of money — by simply leaving them off? 

“I think that motorcycle engineers really have to go back to the drawing board, adopting a new engineering paradigm — minimalism,” Coveryerass continued, warming to her subject.  “They should all watch that ‘World’s Fastest Indian’ movie.  I mean, look what that guy did on a shoestring budget!  He made his own PISTONS!,” she gushes.

Steven Salemi, the passionate motorcycle enthusiast, historian, blogger, collector, rider, industry observer — and “Acting Development Victim” in the thrilling RCF saga — is now working a joint financing venture with a major Credit Card Company to help defray the significant costs of RCF development.

“If you’re a baker working with dough, and you don’t like the way the thing looks, you just grab the stuff, pound it back into a ball, and try something else,” Salemi explained.  “But carbon fiber is a far less forgiving and malleable material.  Believe you me, when you start throwing out hunks of carbon fiber, you’re really throwing out hunks of your hard-earned money,” he said, a tear forming in the corner of one eye.  “I hope to defray the costs of RCF development to the very greatest extent possible.

“As Billy Joel sang, ‘Get it right the first time,'” Salemi concluded.  “Joel rides motorcycles, did you know that?”

 # # #

 

 

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Got The Benelli Bug Badly?

The Motorcycles Benelli Fans Love Best!

Then you might want to take this golden opportunity to buy my entire Benelli collection, lock, stock, and smoking exhaust pipe barrel, before I place it on E-Bay, which I plan to do this summer.

This collection includes the following bikes:

THE DYNAMO

1974 Benelli Dynamo 65cc, Restored, Strong Motor, Nice Bike, Thousands Invested, Very Good Condition.

The Benelli Cougar

1972 Benelli Cougar 65cc — Cosmetically excellent, starts and runs easily and smoothly, everything totally intact and original, but lacks power and needs some attention (engine seals?).  Easy fix for somebody who knows what they’re doing, fun and very rare.  Has a very rare NOS seat and a spare NOS seat as well!

THE BENELLI VOLCANO!

1972 Benelli Volcano — Terrific ORIGINAL condition, cosmetically and mechanically excellent, needs nothing, a blast!  World’s ultimate mini-bike, very rare, one of only 200 made.

The 1966 Nuovo Leoncino ("Cobra Scrambler")

1966 Benelli Nuovo Leoncino — Full Restoration, down to nuts and bolts, many rare and original NOS Parts, looks like new, totally classic vintage bike. 6K Invested.

AND — a huge, and I mean massive, collection of Benelli parts, boxes and boxes of them, too numerous to mention.  Thousands and Thousands of dollars worth of rare and precious parts, for everything from the Dynamo to the 650CC Tornado.

PRICE FOR ALL BIKES AND ALL PARTS:  $ 10,000.00. Price is firm.  Shipping is extra; pickup probably best (rent a big truck and take everything away). 

Easily 20K invested.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY PLEASE!

E-Mail me at ssalemi@earthlink.net

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Caveat Emptor, Benelli Fans!!!

 
 
 
 

Beware!

The Worst Motorcycle Place In The World

Dear Kevin, 

You’ve caught me at the tail end of my interest in the Benelli Marque, I’m into Moto Guzzi’s now.  This summer I’m going to sell my entire collection (four bikes — Dynamo, Volcano, Cougar, Nuovo Leoncino) and a massive collection of parts as well.  I’ll ask around 10K; probably cost me closer to 20K — yikes! 

Nobody said Benelli’s were any kind of good investment!  

My enthusiasm for Benelli was also dampened when I was ripped off to the tune of 1,500 hard-earned dollars by Claudio Catania of CFM Motorcycles, a business associate of Joe Purshock of Vintage Cosmo, both working out of the same building in Hatfield, Pennsylvania. 

"A Tradition of Screwing Our Best Customers..."

The trouble actually started with Joe, who urged me to buy an Aermacchi bike from Catania and have him restore it. 

Apparently, Catania’s ditzy wife had spent monies he had set aside for immigration fees or something like that (Catania and his Wife are Italian Immigrants); the upshot being that if he didn’t get some money fast he would get thrown out of the country. 

This would have been a good thing, as it turned out, but I didn’t know that back then. In response to Joe’s incessant pleading, and to Catania’s promises that he would build me a beautiful bike; we made an agreement in writing that I would send $ 1500 to Catania to have him begin the project, that he’d have the bike complete, restored, and ready to pick up by April 1st, 2009, and that I would send him another $1500 upon completion for a total of $3000.  

I triple-checked with him to make sure these terms were fully understood by and fully agreeable to him (which they were), and then I sent him the money…  

…after which he proceeded to work on the project barely at all, went to Italy one summer with my money, and basically sat on his duff and hardly worked on the project.  When the deadline passed, and the bike was still literally in pieces and not even close to completion, I reminded him that an agreement was an agreement, and demanded a refund, but he decided then that he would assume the fictitious mantle of victim instead of the actual role as perpetrator.  That way he wouldn’t have to refund the money he took from me!  

Tricky, huh?  Of course, his arguments were meaningless and ridiculous and false and completely without merit.  I made polite demands for the money (my $1500), and over time the demands became less and less polite, as one might expect.  In fact, he just finished the bike in 2010 (!!!), sold it to somebody else, and still to this day has never paid me my money.  Nor does he intend to, standing on his pride and taking offense for being called the thief and dishonest unreliable and untrustworthy person that he is. What a Prince, huh?   

 

Claudio Catania, Thief & Criminal

Although Joe Purshock isn’t really the one who ripped me off, I consider him an Accomplice in this crime — with a small a if not a large one.  First off, Joe repeatedly urged me to “do the right thing” and “help Claudio out” and all that B.S.  Later, when he saw what happened, he said that people like Claudio were unreliable and that I shouldn’t have done it and that the theft would be a good lesson for ME!  

Thanks, Joe!  But if you knew that about Claudio, as you say you did, then why did you talk me into it?   

Second, Joe continued to employ Claudio as an E-Bay seller for a time, continued to offer him a space in his building (rent-free at first), continued to rely on him for help in pulling apart bikes and other miscellaneous projects so he could sell the parts, and so on.  

In other words, Joe profited in many ways by continuing to keep Claudio around as a helper and tenant. Joe did speak to Claudio in my behalf, but talk is cheap as they say (free, in fact), and never got tough with him — which would have meant saying something like: “Claudio, send Salemi his money by the end of the month or you are out on the street, and I mean it.  You may think it’s smart to screw your best customers, but I won’t have you screwing mine.”  

He never did this, though, or anything close. I would have done the same for him, back then, without a second thought, but you know…character and integrity are, apparently, rare things.  

And so Claudio is working in Joe’s building to this day. Sad thing is, I’ve done tons of business with Joe, and with Claudio as well, and so I consider Joe’s behavior as a betrayal and can’t help but lump him in the same category as Claudio — a dubious and untrustworthy individual, at bottom. Birds of a feather flock together, is how the saying goes.  Aiding and abetting the enemy.  Sheltering a known financial terrorist and criminal. 

If this seems like hyperbole, reflect: $1,500.00 is a lot of money, and I work very hard for mine, believe me.  How would you like it if Mr. Catania (with Mr. Purshock, cheerleading) reached into YOUR pocket and stole such a large amount of money?
 In the final analysis, I recognize Joe and Claudio as the “Good Cop” and “Bad Cop,” respectively, of this criminal and shameful shakedown.  I’ve cut off all communications with Joe; with Claudio, it’ll be a lifetime of harassment and perpetual reminders of his shoddy, reprehensible, and utterly inexcusable criminal theft of my hard-earned dollars and breach of faith.

But I firmly believe in the law of Karma, so hopefully Joe and Claudio will get the respective lessons that they obviously need.

 

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Guzzi V8 in California!!!

Moto Guzzi V8

Short On Funds to Visit Mandello? Solvang, CA Will Do!

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Griso 8V & TT 3.2

Why Do Countries that *Lost* WWII Make The Best Vehicles???

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Benelli Tornado 650 
Dear Editors,

 I enjoyed the Benelli Tornado article (November/December 2009) very much.  Are you aware that this very same article appeared in the July 2008 issue of Classic Cycles? 

Anyhow, it was good then and it is good now, and the author has captured the essence of the Tornado, although I’d like to make a few observations:

First, the idea that the Tornado’s electrical system is in any way substandard, unreliable, or (even) “typically Italian” is dead wrong, based on Mr. Bolton’s casual visual inspection of the wiring on his not very original example.  In fact – and this is important for prospective Tornado owners – the main electrical system is bulletproof on the Tornado, immensely dependable.  The only glitches are the directional signal indicators and the electric starting system, both of which are said to fail invariably (eventually). 

Thankfully, the Tornado is an easy starter, so a kick start can suffice if the owner doesn’t want to go to the trouble of repairing a failed electric starting system.  As for the rest, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.  Remember, these bikes have German Bosch electrical systems, not Italian stuff — a fact which goes unmentioned in the article.

The other point worth noting is that, despite the Tornado’s horizontally-split engine cases, oil leaks are not unheard of, and with parts in short supply, not necessarily simple to fix.  I always regret that I bought a Tornado with an oil leak, and I was never able to solve it.  So I’d caution prospective buyers to make sure that the bikes they’re considering are absolutely oil-tight, as a healthy Tornado should and will be.

Although, like the author, I love the Tornado motor, I’m not sure I’d agree that Prampolini’s engine design for the Benelli Sei was “legendary.”  “Dubious” is maybe a better word.  The Sei’s motor was always (rightly) accused of being a quick and dirty rip-off of the Honda.  The obviously-Asian look of the Sei’s motor detracted from the bike’s appeal (and makes the Tornado more desirable, as the short-stroke twin is inarguably an Italian purebred). 

Ing. Carcano, the creator of the (truly) legendary Guzzi V-Twin, saw the Sei’s six for what it was – “a bad copy of a Japanese motor.”  In Prampolini’s defense, he was taking orders from his boss DeTomaso, and I’m sure, as a Benelli company man, he did what he was told to do, and made the best of it under these difficult conditions.

Anyway, I’ll be sending along a photo of the Tornado’s original “waffle” footpegs, designed to help cut down vibrations at speed.  This unusual design certainly helped when I rode my Tornado 2000 miles from Florida to New Mexico.  I can concur with the author’s belief that a Tornado can be driven all day at 70mph.  Try five long days in a row at 80mph!

Best,

Steven Salemi, Owner
WWW.MYBENELLIS.COM

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Keeping the Receivers At Bay!!!

Keeping the Receivers At Bay!!!

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